“I’ve closed my heart down, so many seasons. I didn’t want to hurt again, I didn’t want to try, so I turned myself to ice and stone, said I don’t need anyone, and nobody else would ever make me cry.”-Beth Nielsen Chapman, Maybe it’s Love
The one that loves you lately?
“You know what I think hurts the most? The feeling of being replaced. It’s like no matter what you did, it wasn’t enough. And no matter what you do to try and capture their heart again, doesn’t seem to work. And you’re suddenly left thinking that you’ll never be enough. And a sudden sadness captures your heart that never really leaves.”
Why me, I whisper, because it’s so quiet in the room with only the rain and speaking too loud could ruin it. What do you mean? he is asking. I prop my chin up on his chest and look at him. Do you like me? He smiles, and I can see he is confused. Of course I like you. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. Why do you think I spend so much time beside you? He says it quietly and he is looking out the window. So why me, I am asking him again. Why do you like me. He doesn’t answer. I lie back next to him so we are both looking at the ceiling and his arm is wrapped around my shoulders from behind. Do you really want to know? He sighs. Yes. I shiver. I like you because you work at a plant store. I like you because when you think no one else is around, you talk to the flowers. You take the ones that are abandoned or moved out of their place and you put them where they belong, because you don’t want them to be alone. I like you because you wear that pink apron when you cook for me and you look cute. He smiles. I don’t have to look at him to know, I can feel it. I like you because sometimes you leave me in bed at night to wash the dishes in the sink. And you come back to bed smelling like soap. I like you because you sleep here with me so that I will know you are safe. I like you because you are fragile, and I like you because I need to take care of someone and I think I can take care of you. That’s why.
One day i’d love to sit down and talk to you about everything you are thinking and feeling, big or small. And i want you to be honest, i don’t want this facade/pretend outer exterior of a being, of which i am not sure is really you. and after, i want us to sip tea with lemon and honey and nibble on cookies while we think about what you’ve shared. Then i want to tell you everything too, and i don’t want you to judge me, i just want you to listen and understand me, and then give me a hug and make me feel like you actually care.
“I’ve always loved night trains and their magic: it’s the perfect opportunity to create an encounter in suspended time. I really liked the idea of a woman meeting a man. They both think about each other, but continue on with their own lives, left with the regret that they didn’t make contact with the other person. I love to play with destiny and coincidences… I knew that the story would revolve around the mesmerizing effect of the scent in the woman’s wake. We had to give voice to the intangible.”
“It’s not okay that you hurt me, but I am okay. I deserve more, and I know that now. And maybe you knew that inside, that you couldn’t give me that yet. So you set me free. We would’ve been so great, you would never have wished for more than I would’ve given you. But you never gave it a chance. So now you’ll never know what could’ve been. Maybe someday you’ll regret it, maybe someday you’ll think it was the best decision you ever made, but maybe someday you’ll see me walking, smiling and happy, alongside someone who’s also smiling and happy because he has my heart. Maybe then you’ll stop and realize what you’re missing, because someday, someone is going to thank you for letting me go...”